Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
