Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
