mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Randomize
