A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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