The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
