All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
