I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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