so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
