I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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