I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I have post one night stand depression
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