nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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