i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
