Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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