Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
