Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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