I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
