I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
