Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
