I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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