I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
