He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
