allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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