I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
