I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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