ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
