Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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