I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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