It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
