the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
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