I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
