I hate your face
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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