im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
did i just pee glitter
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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