My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
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