U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
