i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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