Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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