Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
