Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
