I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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