Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
