i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
