Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
