how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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