I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
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