I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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