I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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