I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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