I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
