If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
it's like iHOP with fire
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
