Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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